Month: January 2026

Three Pauses: On breath, attention, and the quiet work of returning to ourselves

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes… including you.”–Anne Lamott

A Reminder to Pause

I was driving to work this past Monday after an extended break, thinking about my to-do list for the day, when an alarm on my phone began a soothing piano melody. Bringing my car to a rolling stop as I fell in line with traffic at a stop sign, I tapped the alarm off. I wanted to ignore it. Instead, I reminded myself this would help me complete those “to-do” lists with a more calm mind, so I paused my thinking and took three slow, deep breaths–the first of the day.

How a Friend Planted the Idea

This practice of setting a gentle sounding alarm as a reminder to take three deep breaths was a serendipitous seed of an idea that a friend unintentionally planted within me. We met for lunch one day, well before I returned to school from winter break. During the course of a deep conversation, her phone alarm accidentally went off. Surprised that it was going off, she quickly turned off the alarm and then–seemingly on a whim–said “Let’s take three deep breaths.” She shut her eyes and began inhaling, so I followed suit. Our conversation resumed afterwards and nothing more was said.

Turning an Accidental Moment into a Daily Practice

However, on the way home, I reflected upon how much better I felt after we took those three deep breaths. I further examined a few of the benefits that I knew regarding deep breathing. What would happen, I wondered, if I took time more often to take three deep breaths daily like I did with my friend? As I reflected over my typical work week and subsequent weekend, I identified three common times of the day, whether at work or not, in which pausing for three deep breaths would be beneficial. 

I realized that I would never remember to take time to do that without a reminder, which meant setting an alarm. Not any ol’ alarm sound would do.  Once home, I took a few moments, played around with various tones. My intention was to make the alarm sound invitational, not demanding. I knew if it felt like a chore, I would feel more resistant. Plus, the reality was I knew I wouldn’t be “perfect,” especially in the beginning and given the unpredictabilities that can occur on any given day.

Three Breaths, Three Times a Day

When the piano melody alarm now subtly tinkles, I pause what I am doing, close my eyes (if alone or not driving), and take three deep, expansive belly breaths. The alarms are set to ring before the arrival of students, during lunch, and at the end of the day, right after students leave. On the weekends, when I am busy with household chores and errands, the times still work well. 

Creating a Practice That Feels Gentle, Not Demanding

If I am alone, and not driving, I sometimes place one hand on my low belly and another hand on my heart. The hand placement reminds me to initiate the breath from my diaphragm and allow the air to expand the belly, then expand the ribs fully, and allow the inhale all the way up into the heart space. 

Other times, especially if I feel stressed or worried I place both hands on my heart in a gesture of self-care. Most of the time, however, I am not alone, given the nature of my job, but I can still pause and take three deep breaths without drawing any attention to myself. 

What Happens in the Body When We Breathe Deeply

Our bodies are miraculously created. They are designed, when properly cared for, to function like a high-performance team–each system working synergistically with other systems for the ultimate benefit of the whole. Pausing to take three deep breaths is my way of working with my body. The body responds by lowering the heart rate, decreasing blood pressure, and increasing a sense of calm. The body already knows how to do this. Taking deep breaths cooperates with the body’s natural process and simply allows it to intentionally happen.

When the Mind Begins to Follow the Breath

Our minds naturally follow the breath. If our breathing is short, shallow, or choppy, our mind readies itself for a stress-inducing event. Consistently setting aside time throughout the day to breathe in a relaxed, calm manner, even for a couple of minutes, incrementally creates a shift in our mind. While I wouldn’t say my practice has been transformative, per se, I would say that there are days my stress and anxiety are decreased, other days I notice a bit more mental clarity and focus, and other times I feel a subtle, but real, shift in my energy and vitality. While I cannot say I have eliminated all of the negative thoughts in mind, I am noticing that I am better able to handle my emotional response to a difficult moment with a bit more grace.

A Quiet Conversation Within

Another benefit I have observed is sometimes when I pause, I feel a connection to the “still, small voice within,” that source of wisdom that hovers beneath all of the distractions and noise. It is as if, for the briefest of moments during my busy day, my body, mind, and heart are at peace. I momentarily feel an overall sense of gratitude, a reminder of the positives in my life, despite those negatives that remain. There’s also a sense of connection to other hearts and souls moving in, around, and throughout my day. All told, it provides me with an overall feeling of solace.

Why Three Times a Day Matters

One thing I did not realize before starting this small practice is that by setting aside three times per day to take three deep breaths, it harnesses the power of the “rule of three.” The “rule of three”, I learned by happenstance a few days into my practice while I was listening to a podcast. This rule employs the principles of habit formation to increase focus, productivity, and well-being. The frequency of three breaths, three times per day is enough to establish the habit without it feeling overwhelming, which, lucky for me, is an important consideration. 

Imperfect Practice, Faithful Returning

Are there times I don’t heed the timer? There certainly are. I am not perfect, and I am not pretending it is easy to create a new habit. But I do continue to return to the practice, even if I miss a timer, or three, throughout the week. I know that when I do take time for that brief pause to nurture myself with a few deep breaths, I will show up better, more fully for myself and others.  

An Invitation, Not a Prescription

Perhaps there is a pause waiting for you too.

A Quieter Resolution for the New Year: Listening, Learning, and Loving Without Agreement

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“When we listen, we offer with our attention an alms far more precious than anything else.”— Simone Weil

The Season of New Year’s Resolutions—and a Different Invitation

The ritual setting of resolutions for a new year is a ubiquitous January practice. Gym memberships flourish, trackers are checked and rechecked, meals are planned and prepped all in the hope of self-improvement. One quick scroll of social media offers a wide array of options for  workouts, diets, and methods of accountability. While health resolutions matter, our culture needs a quieter resolution–one that prioritizes listening deeply, learning humbly, and choosing neighborly love without agreement.

What We Miss When We Stop Listening

One cultural trend I have noticed–and am often guilty of myself–centers around listening, or a lack thereof. Many of us talk past one another, make snap judgments, and curate words of certainty. Conversations become overlapping monologues–ears present, but attention is elsewhere. In doing so, we miss the quieter forms of communication: facial expressions, postures, and the subtle cues that reveal complexity and lived experiences. When we rush past these, we lose the opportunity to understand another person, and we deny ourselves the opportunity to be changed, even slightly. Making time for focused listening does not mean we are agreeing with another person’s position.  It is choosing understanding over reflex.  

Learning to Listen as a Daily Practice

Learning to listen well is an acquired skill, at least for many of us, myself included, but it is attainable. Engaged listening requires more than ears; it requires intention. It asks us to pause before responding to another person, to consider what was said, and to ask a thoughtful question, rather than immediately offering a counterpoint. Asking a thoughtful question or two can increase understanding of another person, especially if we are willing to sit with discomfort if their viewpoint challenges or counters our own. This type of listening takes time and requires humility. If you are like me, you won’t be perfect–but it is a worthwhile endeavor.

Listening Without Agreement

Frankly, it is easier to relegate people based on our assumptions.  It is inconvenient to take time to ask questions that might alter our long-held beliefs.  However, by listening and respectfully seeking understanding, we incrementally begin to learn more about an alternate point of view without necessarily agreeing with it. 

Lessons from the Classroom About Understanding Others

 This is an ongoing practice for me as a veteran educator separated by generations from my students, and even many of my colleagues, in a high school setting. I have entered numerous conversations over the years in which either I had assumptions about a situation involving a student, parent, or peer or they had assumptions about me. Those conversations did not always lead to agreement, but they almost always led to greater understanding–and that is the difference that mattered most.

What It Means to Love Our Neighbor Today

By taking time to listen and ask questions, we are putting into practice a foundational belief of most world religions and philosophies: “Love your neighbor,” emphasizing respect, compassion, and doing non-harm to others. This Golden Rule practice is neither affectionate nor approving. It is also not remaining silent when faced with harm. In today’s world, “loving your neighbor” can be as simple as showing restraint in how we speak–refusing to reduce a person to a single action or belief. Practicing the Golden rule can also be as simple as not reducing a person to a single belief or action. Loving others is simply a daily choice. It is a posture that can feel costly, especially when it would be easier–or less stressful–to walk away or erupt into outrage. 

Small Ways to Practice Kindness in Everyday Life

Standing in neighborly love takes practice, and it doesn’t have to occur in grand, sweeping gestures. We can begin to put into practice in small, cumulative ways that can still have a bigger impact than we realize.  During gatherings of friends and/or family, try listening longer than feels comfortable to that contrarian relative/acquaintance.  During community, work, or church meetings, instead of immediately refuting a counter point-of-view, respond with curiosity rather than certainty. While interacting with online spaces, try choosing kindness when sharpness would be easier, even if the kind act is not to respond at all. We won’t always be perfect, but the more we practice, the more natural it becomes.

A Resolution That Doesn’t Fit on a Checklist

When setting resolutions, health coaches often ask clients to create goals that are SMART: specific, measurable, achievable/attainable, relevant/realistic, time-bound/timely. Setting a resolution to listen, learn, and “love” others may not, therefore, appear “SMART.” Nonetheless, it remains an attainable and relevant practice through small, incremental steps. 

What Might Change If We Listened First?

Consider what might change if we listened a little longer? If we attempted to learn more than we defended? If we treated others the way we would want to be treated? If we “loved” more than we proved?  

A Practice Worth Returning to All Year Long

These actions are not about “perfection” with a clear-cut checklist that offers overnight transformative results. Instead, they are more about presence and intention–the intention to listen, learn, and love others. It is a resolution that does not have to end with guilt in February; rather, it is a practice that can be picked up and practiced again and again throughout this year and years to come. 

“You don’t have to agree with someone to treat them with dignity.” 

As the year begins, may we all strive to engage in a more neighborly discourse and actions.