Tag: emotional center of brain

That’s not the sky! That’s the clouds–Lessons in the 90-second rule

Featured by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“You are not your thoughts.  You are the observer of your thoughts.”–Amit Ray

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Feelings Come and Go ☁️

It was between classes on a Friday afternoon. A male student entered my classroom, set his books down, and sauntered across the room towards the windows that line the wall of our third floor room. 

He looked as if he was preparing for a quick chat with his buddy when he randomly exclaimed, “Wow, look at that.  The sky looks flat.”

“Dude, that’s not the sky.  That’s the clouds!” a girl retorted.

A debate then ensued as to whether or not the sky and the clouds were one in the same. Several other students joined in the conversation until one student added with great authority that the clouds aren’t always in the sky, but the sky is always there. 

Listening to the student’s debate reminded me of a saying attributed to Thich Nhat Hanh, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.”  Hanh taught this, in part, to demonstrate that we have the ability to be an observer of our mind’s thoughts.  I often phrase it like this, “Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.”

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The 90-second Rule ⏰

In fact, I ran across an interesting fact regarding the duration of emotions.  Neuroscientist and best selling author, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Harvard trained and published, established that emotions only last for approximately 90 seconds.  According to Taylor, “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment,” she says, “there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”

Upon reading that fact, I almost felt called out, especially with regards to any emotional response after 90-seconds is personal choice.  Wow! That notion is super-charged with opportunities for self-regulation.  However, we all know that regulating emotions isn’t always easy. In fact, I suspect this requires practice for most of us.

Therefore, I want to step back to the clouds and sky scenario. Identifying and recognizing when our mind has gone off into what I call “thinking or story mode” due to an emotional reaction requires a certain level of mindfulness.  This is where knowing the rest of Hanh’s quote is important. “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”

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Time for a Mindful Break ⏳

Learning to breathe through difficult moments in order to allow the emotion(s) to pass requires the ability to self-select the pause button. This also requires a certain level of awareness.  Practicing mindfulness can increase this awareness. 

Therefore, let’s play a game.  Come on, what have you got to lose, but a few more seconds added to reading this piece?

Softly close your eyes for 20-30 seconds and listen. Notice what you hear? The hum of the refrigerator? Birds chirping? Heater running? After perceiving and identifying the sounds you hear, open your eyes.  Notice you were able to identify the sounds, but that did not make you the sounds.

Now that you are warmed up, let’s do another one.  This time, take a good look at your surroundings. Pick one item near you and focus on it for a few seconds. What color is it?  Describe its shape. Identify its size.  Describe its function. Bring awareness to the fact you are identifying what you see, but you are separate from it.

Let’s try one more.  (I promise it’s the last one.) Gently close your eyes. Focus on the sensations in your body.  Do you feel air moving against your skin? Is there a part of your skin that is itchy, warm, cold, etc.? How does the fabric against your skin feel? After about 20-30 seconds, open your eyes.  There were numerous sensations you were able to name in those few seconds, but those sensations are separate from who YOU are.

 Practicing aspects of mindfulness is as simple as those three exercises–fostering an awareness of a “something,” giving it a name, and then observing it without judging it as good or bad.  When you do this, you are engaging your “observer mind,” which is an important skill for taking advantage of the 90-second rule. 

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Swatting away those negative thoughts 🙇‍♀️

 I don’t know about you, but I happen to have a mind that, when triggered, is very good at sending waves of negative thoughts and messages.  These antagonistic ideas can quickly commandeer my mind, and it can sometimes take significant time for me to become aware, much less observe those emotions objectively. Once I finally do, I try to imagine that my difficult feelings/thoughts are a pesky mosquito or bee buzzing around in my mind.

  The image encourages me to gently swat away challenging thoughts or feelings by reminding myself that even if I am thinking a certain way, it doesn’t mean it’s true.  Sometimes, I stay trapped in the loop of emotions, and I am reminded that I am a work in progress.  Other times, I can name the story or feelings, and I have the ability to send it on its way. 

I usually have to remind myself to stop judging the experience as good or bad–which I also tend to do. Then, I have to engage my curiosity and ask myself why am I thinking/feeling/reacting a certain way.  This can take a long period of time, and sometimes, I have to tell myself to accept the feeling/thought for the time being, and I can figure out the reason for the feeling later.  

I often find, through reflection, that many of my emotional responses are often caused by certain triggers or trained reactions from long ago.  I am especially prone to messaging that tends to make me feel “less than” others, but everyone has their own unique triggers. I also find I am more likely to be sent into a negative spiral if I am especially fatigued. 

Other common triggers may include, patronizing behavior, micro-management, someone not pulling their weight, someone criticizing you or your work, and so forth.  The thing is to begin to get curious and see if you can begin to identify your personal triggers. 

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Tools for Dealing with Difficult Emotions 🔨🪛🔧

In the end, when it comes to emotions, we have 90-seconds in which our bodies chemically react to our triggers and attempts to send us into the “flight, fight, or freeze ” mode.  After that, we have the power to continue with one of those modes, or choose another direction, but it won’t be as easy as snapping a finger.

Knowledge of the 90-second rule does not allow us to avoid challenging emotions.  Instead, it is my hopes that it gives you (and me) the power to:

  • Identify what you are feeling (tight stomach, red face, rising heat, etc.) 
  • Gently ask yourself why you are experiencing it (What was the trigger?)
  • Name the emotion(s) (fear, anger, embarrassment, resentment, etc.)
  • Accept and allow those feelings
  • Offer yourself compassion and see if you can redirect your energy into a more positive endeavor.

Remembering that you have a choice when feeling strong emotions can be empowering, but it is not all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns. Nonetheless, having tools to navigate through challenging emotions can make a difference, allowing us to eventually see through our cloudy and distorted thinking and perhaps get to the other side with a bit more grace and equanimity.  

Rocks in Your Head?

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wears you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.”–Muhammad Ali

Have you ever been walking along and discovered a rock in your shoe?  It doesn’t seem to matter how small it is, suddenly, it is all that you can think about.  This is especially true if you are on a solo walk or run.  With each step, that multi-faceted, miniscule rock pokes and prods your foot until it becomes your sole focus. Likewise, if you are walking or running with another person, try as you might to ignore the aggravating rock, it remains in the periphery niggling away at your attention in spite of your best effort to focus on the unfolding conversation. 

Have you ever noticed how much more free and spacious your mind becomes if you pause long enough to take the rock out of your shoe?  If you’re with a friend, your concentration easily returns, and if you’re exercising alone, your mind relaxes and resumes its free-flow thought.  When this happens to me, I often ask myself, why did I take so long to shake that rock out of my shoe?  Why did I allow myself to be tormented by such a small thing?  

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Oddly enough, there are times that I will go an entire run or walk, and complete an errand or two, before I take time to slip off my shoe. Once home, I’ll sit down on the front stoop of my porch, take off my shoe and shake out scanty pebbles and/or debris. Slipping the shoe back on, it’s like putting on new footwear–all because I had been too stubborn, lazy, or petulant to take off my shoes and toss out the rocks.

After a recent moment of emptying the rocks out of my shoes, it occurred to me that those crushed rocks were quite a bit like thoughts that can sometimes run through my head.  These are often circular notions of self-doubt, self-criticism, or self-reproach.  Depending upon the day, situation, and/or context, the narrative can vary, but the ongoing, well-rehearsed mental skirmish between Naysayer Nellie and Wetblanket Wanda certainly know how to prick and needle my grey matter like the crushed detritus poking and prodding my foot when trapped in my shoe.

These pessimistic pests tend to most often join forces during times of stress, change, and/or increase in workload.  Sometimes, all it takes is one moment of so-called failure, frustration, or new challenge to inspire those two negative allies to vie for my attention as they quickly assemble a barrage of heated messages designed.  Then, like a challenging adolescent, they turn up the volume, in case I didn’t hear their propaganda the first hundred times!  

Ironically, I know their stories aren’t true. I recognize the disinformation for what it is; and yet, like the proverbial pebble in the shoe, I don’t quickly empty the shoe, or in this case, the prodding thoughts.  Instead, I allow those irksome ideas to create a foothold in consciousness, and repeatedly nettle away. It’s as if these defeatist messages have hijacked my brain.  

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If I allow those obstructive thoughts to remain around long enough, like the shoe-bound pea gravel chafing my skin until blisters form, the negative mental chatter can create so much inflammation that my brain will begin its not-so-subtle messages of flight, fight, or freeze.  My head and heart will begin to pound, I will hold my breath, tighten parts of my body, such as my belly, back, or neck, and sleep becomes elusive or filled with nightmares.

What can I do?  Duh! Take off the proverbial shoe and shake out the rocks.  Not that it is easy, but I have to remind myself that thoughts are like clouds.  Even on the most overcast day, when all is gray and cloud-covered, the blue sky and the bright sun are still there–they have merely been hidden.  The sky is not the clouds, and I am not my thoughts–and neither are you, Dear Reader!  In fact, we are so much more than any negative messages sticking around in our heads. 

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 As I understand it, the emotional center of our brain is housed in the part of the area that evolved quite early in order to determine important life saving decisions such as, “Is this food poisonous or not?” or “Will this animal eat me?”  Once this area of the brain perceives something as dangerous–even if created by our own thoughts–this part of the brain won’t shut off until it feels safe.  (It is also worth noting that the same is true when this area of the brain experiences pleasure–it wants more and more.) 

However, we have another, more advanced part of the brain that allows humans to think, reason, make decisions, and plan.  Therefore, with practice, we can be aware of when the emotional center of the brain launches into its overwhelming fear-mongering.  We further have the capacity to choose whether or not we believe those negative stories, and we can also plan how to treat those thoughts when they do occur.  Furthermore, we can take daily actions to further reduce the rumbling rocky voices which are most often a product of fear . . . fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, and fear of the unknown

“Remove the rock from your shoe rather than learn to limp comfortably.”–Stephen C. Paul

One of the best pieces of advice an acquaintance once shared with me:  “Stop yelling at yourself.”  She went on to ask if I would yell at my own daughter the way I think about myself.  When I said, no, she simply encouraged me to “play nice,” call fear by its rightful name, and then take steps to calm it down as you would with your own child.  

Many of the actions that can be taken to reduce negative/anxious thinking are not new suggestions.  Deep breathing, exercise, or simply walking away from a stressful situation for a specific time period are all actually quite helpful.  Other suggestions include: 

*Remind yourself of your past successes.

*Take small steps towards learning a new task. 

*Be willing to ask for help to reduce or understand new/heavy workloads.

*Talk to a trusted friend or family member–sometimes just naming your fears begins to tame them. 

*Write your problem on a piece of paper–dump it all, like you’re emptying your brain of pea gravel. The act of writing slows down the thoughts, relaxes your brains, and allows you to see things differently.  I’ve literally taken that written problem, slipped it under my pillow at night, and literally slept on it.  It never fails to surprise me how a little faith and trust that a solution will be found allows it to gradually unfold.  

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*Learn to nurture and protect your thoughts. 

*Cultivate affirmative thoughts.

*Take preemptive action if you know certain situations trigger a strong emotional reaction. 

*Be gentle and kind with yourself. 

If you begin to notice your brain is launching into story mode, each time a thought attempts to pop into your head, try to mentally swipe it away like a fly at a picnic before it can grow.

The point is, just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true.  Sometimes the solution is as simple as shaking out rocks.  I’m not saying it’s easy; it’s not.  Nonetheless, it is worth remembering that emotions come and go, like ever changing weather, but they don’t have to permanently hijack your brain.  

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