“You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts.”–Amit Ray
Feelings Come and Go ☁️
It was between classes on a Friday afternoon. A male student entered my classroom, set his books down, and sauntered across the room towards the windows that line the wall of our third floor room.
He looked as if he was preparing for a quick chat with his buddy when he randomly exclaimed, “Wow, look at that. The sky looks flat.”
“Dude, that’s not the sky. That’s the clouds!” a girl retorted.
A debate then ensued as to whether or not the sky and the clouds were one in the same. Several other students joined in the conversation until one student added with great authority that the clouds aren’t always in the sky, but the sky is always there.
Listening to the student’s debate reminded me of a saying attributed to Thich Nhat Hanh, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.” Hanh taught this, in part, to demonstrate that we have the ability to be an observer of our mind’s thoughts. I often phrase it like this, “Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.”
The 90-second Rule ⏰
In fact, I ran across an interesting fact regarding the duration of emotions. Neuroscientist and best selling author, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Harvard trained and published, established that emotions only last for approximately 90 seconds. According to Taylor, “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment,” she says, “there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”
Upon reading that fact, I almost felt called out, especially with regards to any emotional response after 90-seconds is personal choice. Wow! That notion is super-charged with opportunities for self-regulation. However, we all know that regulating emotions isn’t always easy. In fact, I suspect this requires practice for most of us.
Therefore, I want to step back to the clouds and sky scenario. Identifying and recognizing when our mind has gone off into what I call “thinking or story mode” due to an emotional reaction requires a certain level of mindfulness. This is where knowing the rest of Hanh’s quote is important. “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”
Time for a Mindful Break ⏳
Learning to breathe through difficult moments in order to allow the emotion(s) to pass requires the ability to self-select the pause button. This also requires a certain level of awareness. Practicing mindfulness can increase this awareness.
Therefore, let’s play a game. Come on, what have you got to lose, but a few more seconds added to reading this piece?
Softly close your eyes for 20-30 seconds and listen. Notice what you hear? The hum of the refrigerator? Birds chirping? Heater running? After perceiving and identifying the sounds you hear, open your eyes. Notice you were able to identify the sounds, but that did not make you the sounds.
Now that you are warmed up, let’s do another one. This time, take a good look at your surroundings. Pick one item near you and focus on it for a few seconds. What color is it? Describe its shape. Identify its size. Describe its function. Bring awareness to the fact you are identifying what you see, but you are separate from it.
Let’s try one more. (I promise it’s the last one.) Gently close your eyes. Focus on the sensations in your body. Do you feel air moving against your skin? Is there a part of your skin that is itchy, warm, cold, etc.? How does the fabric against your skin feel? After about 20-30 seconds, open your eyes. There were numerous sensations you were able to name in those few seconds, but those sensations are separate from who YOU are.
Practicing aspects of mindfulness is as simple as those three exercises–fostering an awareness of a “something,” giving it a name, and then observing it without judging it as good or bad. When you do this, you are engaging your “observer mind,” which is an important skill for taking advantage of the 90-second rule.
Swatting away those negative thoughts 🙇♀️
I don’t know about you, but I happen to have a mind that, when triggered, is very good at sending waves of negative thoughts and messages. These antagonistic ideas can quickly commandeer my mind, and it can sometimes take significant time for me to become aware, much less observe those emotions objectively. Once I finally do, I try to imagine that my difficult feelings/thoughts are a pesky mosquito or bee buzzing around in my mind.
The image encourages me to gently swat away challenging thoughts or feelings by reminding myself that even if I am thinking a certain way, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Sometimes, I stay trapped in the loop of emotions, and I am reminded that I am a work in progress. Other times, I can name the story or feelings, and I have the ability to send it on its way.
I usually have to remind myself to stop judging the experience as good or bad–which I also tend to do. Then, I have to engage my curiosity and ask myself why am I thinking/feeling/reacting a certain way. This can take a long period of time, and sometimes, I have to tell myself to accept the feeling/thought for the time being, and I can figure out the reason for the feeling later.
I often find, through reflection, that many of my emotional responses are often caused by certain triggers or trained reactions from long ago. I am especially prone to messaging that tends to make me feel “less than” others, but everyone has their own unique triggers. I also find I am more likely to be sent into a negative spiral if I am especially fatigued.
Other common triggers may include, patronizing behavior, micro-management, someone not pulling their weight, someone criticizing you or your work, and so forth. The thing is to begin to get curious and see if you can begin to identify your personal triggers.
Tools for Dealing with Difficult Emotions 🔨🪛🔧
In the end, when it comes to emotions, we have 90-seconds in which our bodies chemically react to our triggers and attempts to send us into the “flight, fight, or freeze ” mode. After that, we have the power to continue with one of those modes, or choose another direction, but it won’t be as easy as snapping a finger.
Knowledge of the 90-second rule does not allow us to avoid challenging emotions. Instead, it is my hopes that it gives you (and me) the power to:
- Identify what you are feeling (tight stomach, red face, rising heat, etc.)
- Gently ask yourself why you are experiencing it (What was the trigger?)
- Name the emotion(s) (fear, anger, embarrassment, resentment, etc.)
- Accept and allow those feelings
- Offer yourself compassion and see if you can redirect your energy into a more positive endeavor.
Remembering that you have a choice when feeling strong emotions can be empowering, but it is not all rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns. Nonetheless, having tools to navigate through challenging emotions can make a difference, allowing us to eventually see through our cloudy and distorted thinking and perhaps get to the other side with a bit more grace and equanimity.
Steph Simply 