Tag: perfectionism

Conquering Perfectionism: Tips for a Balanced Life

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“Perfectionists strive to never make mistakes. Excellence is striving high but offering yourself grace for mistakes made and things you don’t know yet.”–Sharon Martin

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imperfect pressure 😰

I watched in horror before school began as a student began pulling at their hair so hard, strands of it landed on the table. I quietly walked over to offer help/support. The child was a known perfectionist and quickly angered if they were unable to complete their work with total accuracy. As it turned out, they were completing math homework that was due at 8:00 a.m., which was less than ten minutes away. It was homework they had procrastinated completing and were feeling the pressure of not having the time needed to complete the work “perfect.”  

As a teacher, I encounter both students–and adults–that appear to strive (either intrinsically or extrinsically), for “perfection.” However, the idea of perfectionism is a human-construct. When we look at the natural world, we can see multiple examples of this.  Think of any three-legged animal you may have encountered.  One could argue that those creatures are not “perfect” specimens, but they are still able to function “perfectly.”  Another example is the number of plants that are classified as “imperfect” because they do not have both the male and female parts needed to produce flowers.  However, through adaptation, they are able to produce flowers.

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Intrinsic vs. extrinsic “perfectionism” 🗂️

Perfectionistic behavior in humans can manifest itself in various ways. So-called “perfectionism,” for some, can be intrinsically-driven. These are people who hold themselves and their work/performance to higher standards. They are self-motivated and often view mistakes as setbacks from which they can learn.  Their goals are realistic and achievable. Overall, this type of “perfectionism” can be healthy unless it evolves–either from internal or external forces–to an unhealthy, maladaptive state.

An “unhealthy” state of perfectionism can often be attributed to others–cultural and/or societal cues, well-intended friends, or even family. In fact, think about how often the word “perfect” sneaks into day-to-day interactions and conversations.  Even sports’ analysis is rife with its use of “perfect”–perfect pass, perfect catch, perfect save, perfect pitch and so on.  Similarly, from many outward appearances, one could argue life rewards those who are “perfect.”

Unfortunately, perfectionism can become problematic when people begin to set standards that are extreme and often unattainable. This can lead to a sense of “failure,” a constant feeling of stress, and/or develop procrastination/avoidance habits because the tasks/work can seem so overwhelming because it can’t be completed “perfectly.”  Perfectionism can reduce feelings of joy/happiness, diminish one’s self-esteem, and often leads to burnout. It is worth further noting that perfectionism can sometimes evolve as an extension of anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and/or depression.

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Downside to perfectionism 😫

Perfectionism, when left unchecked, is beyond “trying to be your best.”  It’s more about setting standards that are so high, they are either difficult to maintain or unrealistic to achieve. Many people think that perfect work/performance is the only way to be accepted and/or valued, often because they have a fear of not being good enough or worry about how others perceive them. 

In particular, I have noticed that students (and adults) with perfectionistic tendencies place extreme amounts of pressure on themselves to perform “perfectly.”  Then, if their work/performance misses the high-mark they have established in their mind, their self-talk becomes highly critical and often leads to self-loathing that can spiral into depression and harmful coping mechanisms.  Sometimes, this need to be perfect can spill over into their relationships in which friends and acquaintances who don’t meet “perfect standards” are berated, belittled, and shamed for not having the ability to perform at a specific level.

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Reframing the way we talk 🗣️

What can be done about this?  One important step that any of us can take is to reframe the way we talk about performances.  Rather than being quick to say, “that was perfect,” consider focusing on acknowledging/praising the effort or the process. This is especially important for parents or anyone working with children and teens; however, it is also equally important in the work setting or within close relationships. For example, instead of saying that a presentation is “perfect,” focus on the process.  “Your presentation was so clear and to the point. Tell me about how you came up with that idea.” The point is that we bring harm to others when we foster the myth of perfectionism.  

Proactive practice and tips for 📋overcoming perfectionistic tendencies

I’ve gathered several tips from a wide array of sources as well as a few anecdotal tips I have observed students and/or adults employ to combat perfectionistic tendencies.  Even if you are not battling perfectionism, per se, some of these tips are overall proactive practices for a healthy work/life balance.

  • Become aware of perfectionist tendencies, and reduce self-imposed pressure. Sure, you could spend hours crossing every t and dotting every i, but after a certain amount of, there is a diminished return on time invested.  Sometimes, it’s okay to complete the task well (read: not “perfect”) in a reasonable amount of time
  • Break a big job into smaller tasks, and habit bundle in order to avoid procrastination. If the thought of a task is overwhelming, break it down into smaller tasks spread out over several days, and “bundle” it with something you enjoy doing while completing the task or afterwards, i.e. Instead of cleaning the entire house, commit to cleaning two rooms while listening to your favorite playlist or podcast. Then repeat the process with two more rooms at another time.
  • Celebrate small successes and praise yourself.  When completing a step of a major task/job/assignment, take time to acknowledge and feel good about each completed step. 
  • Limit your time on task(s), and focus on meaning over “perfect.”  See the big picture/goal, so that you can be less perfect about some things and focus more on the overall, most important goal.
  • Acknowledge that “perfect” is a human construct, and reframe how you talk to others about work/skills/projects. This is one that takes practice and awareness due to how easy it is to interject the word, “perfect” when acknowledging/praising one’s job.
  • Allow yourself to make mistakes, and view them as learning opportunities. This is a big step towards a more healthy mindset. We all make mistakes, and they provide important lessons that can potentially impact future work.
  • Cut out negative influences and accept/seek constructive feedback. While it may not be completely possible to avoid those who place unrealistic expectations on you or others, it is possible to ignore those messages and seek advice from mentors who truly have your best interest at heart.
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Final Thoughts 🤔

Coping with perfectionism can be challenging, especially when family, friends, and/or other outside influences may be sending other messages.  While it’s good to have high standards for ourselves, those standards should not be at the expense of our mental health and well-being. Finding a more balanced approach to work/performance can increase our peace of mind, overall well-being, and give us permission to live and work with a bit more grace and kindness towards ourselves and others. 

The chipped teapot: Seeing our “imperfections” for what they really are

Featured by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“It’s made me realize that imperfect is perfectly comfortable to me. Whether it’s a city or my apartment, I feel most at home when things are somewhat flawed.”–Hoda Kotb

Chipped, but not broken.

I’m a Little TeaPot 🫖

I picked up the teapot.  It had a chip on the top of its deep navy shape. I could feel how simultaneously sad and angry I was.  The chip was my fault.  I had dropped the lid and broken a piece off revealing the original white unglazed pottery underneath.  

Suddenly, the spiral began.  Why am I such a clutz?  How could I be so stupid? What is wrong with me that I can’t simply hold on to a lid in soapy water?  Way to go, Steph.

I am familiar with that inner critical voice demanding so-called, “prefection.”  That voice is full of all of the things I should do, and it also lists all the ways I fail and fall short.  It is the voice that can sometimes make me cry when I sense I have let someone down or dropped the ball on something I “should” have done. 

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coping skills 🥸

In my younger years, I tried a variety of coping mechanisms to quell that demanding, perfectionist voice. I attempted to ignore the inner critic, but until I was wise enough to know the difference, ignoring sometimes led to overlooking those helpful, intuitive signals.  I also tried projecting a big ego full of confidence to hide that voice of doubt–which, I quickly learned, was a sure way to epically fail.  Of course, there were the tried-and-not-so-true methods of numbing that critic with overeating, over drinking, or even overdoing, but that only made me more miserable. 

Listening to that inner critic has also led to procrastination. For example, if I know a specific big job/task needs to be completed, I can become paralyzed from completing it because my inner critic states it must be completed in a certain “perfect” manner, making the task seem more overwhelming than it is. This paralysis can lead to shame, guilt, and self-loathing because it points to “another failure” when left undone. 

Other times, it’s not so much about procrastination as much as it is that I am managing a wide array of interests, so I get side-tracked from one project to work on another. Nonetheless, focusing on those “other interests,” instead of the “one-big-thing,” can also instigate self-criticism because, “Why can’t I be more focused and stick to one thing?” 

Surely, there are others who fight this battle of perfectionism.  Right?  Based upon all of the various titles of best selling books centered around the topic of perfectionism, I certainly must not be alone in my battle.

A bowlful of encourage-mints!

Letting go of the Perfectionism script 📝

However, with age, my inner gaze, like my own vision, has changed. Letting go of perfection has, to a certain degree, been a natural part of the aging process.  Aging, and the life-wisdom that comes with it, empowers me to more closely see the reality of situations. 

For example, while writing this piece, I picked up an individually wrapped mint to pop in my mouth to allow it to slowly dissolve as I write.  Unfortunately, when I picked it up, I dropped the mint on the floor.  My first voice said, “Way to go, dork.  You broke the mint.  Now, you’ll end up crunching it, rather than slowly letting it dissolve.”  Fortunately, my wiser, older voice swiftly pointed out, “Now, you have two mints! Twice the enjoyment!”

Of course, this is a simple scenario, but it leads to my next point.  Learning to let go of the narrative of perfection is difficult, and it is more of a process than a destination.  Here’s the thing though.  My beautiful, albeit chipped, navy tea pot still works.  It still steeps my various teas perfectly, and it pours without spilling a drop. All I have to do is turn the lid, and no one has to see the chip. Thus, learning to turn, or flip, the narrative of that inner critical voice demanding “perfections” is likewise a great tool.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with setting high personal standards, leaving wiggle room for what is truly acceptable, is a much less stressful approach. It also helps deflate the bubble of shame often attached to rigid standards when we allow for a less-stringent approach.  

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Flawless 😎

Another strategy for releasing perfectionism’s grip is to observe that many of our so-called “personal flaws,” when viewed from a different perspective, are actually strengths.  For example, I might leave one task undone for a longer than “it should be” time period, but that is typically because I am pursuing a creative endeavor such as writing, cooking, or even planning how I will teach a concept to my students.  What’s wrong with that?  Like you, I also wear many hats, so why shouldn’t I give myself grace to focus on one task without pressure to do all tasks “now.”

The more we can learn to adapt an attitude of grace and self-acceptance the more likely the tentacles of perfectionism will begin to loosen.  By embracing our many strengths and talents, we can also feel the weight of shame lifting like a dark cloud shattering as sunlight breaks through. For example, in my own life, I am not the early bird at work in the morning, but that’s because I am a morning person.  I spend several hours completing numerous tasks at home before arriving at work, such as writing, exercising, grading papers, and so on.  Therefore, why should I feel ashamed of my productivity?  

Another skill that has also come with age is learning to focus less on so-called mistakes, and instead, making a point to respect the fact that any time I make a mistake, it fosters my own learning. Mistakes are, in reality, a path to learning to do something better and a tool for continuing to hone a skill.  One example of this was when I was adapting an old family recipe for pound cake to a gluten-free variation. I botched that cake twice before finally figuring out the best way to make it.  Even now, I continue to refine and improve not only that recipe, but also my own technique for baking gluten-free. It is through this acceptance and openness to allowing for mistakes that growth can occur.

Flip the narrative, like I flip the lid around on the teapot.

MUlishly imperfect ⭐️ 💫 🌟

In the end, that inner-critic with its attachment to being perfect is misleading and false. One look at nature reveals anomalies, asymmetries, and even accidents are all part of one big beautiful creation. 

Consider the mule.  It is the offspring of male donkey and a female horse.  It’s not a perfect horse, and it’s not a perfect donkey.  Instead, it possesses its own unique imperfect–some might even say, mulish– vibe, and so can we. 

While focusing less on our so-called flaws and more on strengths, leaving wiggle room for plan B (or C and D), and remaining open to the lessons of a mistake, may not lead to perfection, it sure can lead to a much more peaceful, approachable, and manageable way of living. It’s not easy, and it requires patient practice in the pursuit of learning to let go. However, with continued practice, we can begin to let go of that “perfect” narrative and become much more at ease with the “imperfect.”

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