“Perfectionists strive to never make mistakes. Excellence is striving high but offering yourself grace for mistakes made and things you don’t know yet.”–Sharon Martin
imperfect pressure 😰
I watched in horror before school began as a student began pulling at their hair so hard, strands of it landed on the table. I quietly walked over to offer help/support. The child was a known perfectionist and quickly angered if they were unable to complete their work with total accuracy. As it turned out, they were completing math homework that was due at 8:00 a.m., which was less than ten minutes away. It was homework they had procrastinated completing and were feeling the pressure of not having the time needed to complete the work “perfect.”
As a teacher, I encounter both students–and adults–that appear to strive (either intrinsically or extrinsically), for “perfection.” However, the idea of perfectionism is a human-construct. When we look at the natural world, we can see multiple examples of this. Think of any three-legged animal you may have encountered. One could argue that those creatures are not “perfect” specimens, but they are still able to function “perfectly.” Another example is the number of plants that are classified as “imperfect” because they do not have both the male and female parts needed to produce flowers. However, through adaptation, they are able to produce flowers.
Intrinsic vs. extrinsic “perfectionism” 🗂️
Perfectionistic behavior in humans can manifest itself in various ways. So-called “perfectionism,” for some, can be intrinsically-driven. These are people who hold themselves and their work/performance to higher standards. They are self-motivated and often view mistakes as setbacks from which they can learn. Their goals are realistic and achievable. Overall, this type of “perfectionism” can be healthy unless it evolves–either from internal or external forces–to an unhealthy, maladaptive state.
An “unhealthy” state of perfectionism can often be attributed to others–cultural and/or societal cues, well-intended friends, or even family. In fact, think about how often the word “perfect” sneaks into day-to-day interactions and conversations. Even sports’ analysis is rife with its use of “perfect”–perfect pass, perfect catch, perfect save, perfect pitch and so on. Similarly, from many outward appearances, one could argue life rewards those who are “perfect.”
Unfortunately, perfectionism can become problematic when people begin to set standards that are extreme and often unattainable. This can lead to a sense of “failure,” a constant feeling of stress, and/or develop procrastination/avoidance habits because the tasks/work can seem so overwhelming because it can’t be completed “perfectly.” Perfectionism can reduce feelings of joy/happiness, diminish one’s self-esteem, and often leads to burnout. It is worth further noting that perfectionism can sometimes evolve as an extension of anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and/or depression.
Downside to perfectionism 😫
Perfectionism, when left unchecked, is beyond “trying to be your best.” It’s more about setting standards that are so high, they are either difficult to maintain or unrealistic to achieve. Many people think that perfect work/performance is the only way to be accepted and/or valued, often because they have a fear of not being good enough or worry about how others perceive them.
In particular, I have noticed that students (and adults) with perfectionistic tendencies place extreme amounts of pressure on themselves to perform “perfectly.” Then, if their work/performance misses the high-mark they have established in their mind, their self-talk becomes highly critical and often leads to self-loathing that can spiral into depression and harmful coping mechanisms. Sometimes, this need to be perfect can spill over into their relationships in which friends and acquaintances who don’t meet “perfect standards” are berated, belittled, and shamed for not having the ability to perform at a specific level.
Reframing the way we talk 🗣️
What can be done about this? One important step that any of us can take is to reframe the way we talk about performances. Rather than being quick to say, “that was perfect,” consider focusing on acknowledging/praising the effort or the process. This is especially important for parents or anyone working with children and teens; however, it is also equally important in the work setting or within close relationships. For example, instead of saying that a presentation is “perfect,” focus on the process. “Your presentation was so clear and to the point. Tell me about how you came up with that idea.” The point is that we bring harm to others when we foster the myth of perfectionism.
Proactive practice and tips for 📋overcoming perfectionistic tendencies
I’ve gathered several tips from a wide array of sources as well as a few anecdotal tips I have observed students and/or adults employ to combat perfectionistic tendencies. Even if you are not battling perfectionism, per se, some of these tips are overall proactive practices for a healthy work/life balance.
- Become aware of perfectionist tendencies, and reduce self-imposed pressure. Sure, you could spend hours crossing every t and dotting every i, but after a certain amount of, there is a diminished return on time invested. Sometimes, it’s okay to complete the task well (read: not “perfect”) in a reasonable amount of time
- Break a big job into smaller tasks, and habit bundle in order to avoid procrastination. If the thought of a task is overwhelming, break it down into smaller tasks spread out over several days, and “bundle” it with something you enjoy doing while completing the task or afterwards, i.e. Instead of cleaning the entire house, commit to cleaning two rooms while listening to your favorite playlist or podcast. Then repeat the process with two more rooms at another time.
- Celebrate small successes and praise yourself. When completing a step of a major task/job/assignment, take time to acknowledge and feel good about each completed step.
- Limit your time on task(s), and focus on meaning over “perfect.” See the big picture/goal, so that you can be less perfect about some things and focus more on the overall, most important goal.
- Acknowledge that “perfect” is a human construct, and reframe how you talk to others about work/skills/projects. This is one that takes practice and awareness due to how easy it is to interject the word, “perfect” when acknowledging/praising one’s job.
- Allow yourself to make mistakes, and view them as learning opportunities. This is a big step towards a more healthy mindset. We all make mistakes, and they provide important lessons that can potentially impact future work.
- Cut out negative influences and accept/seek constructive feedback. While it may not be completely possible to avoid those who place unrealistic expectations on you or others, it is possible to ignore those messages and seek advice from mentors who truly have your best interest at heart.
Final Thoughts 🤔
Coping with perfectionism can be challenging, especially when family, friends, and/or other outside influences may be sending other messages. While it’s good to have high standards for ourselves, those standards should not be at the expense of our mental health and well-being. Finding a more balanced approach to work/performance can increase our peace of mind, overall well-being, and give us permission to live and work with a bit more grace and kindness towards ourselves and others.
Steph Simply 