Tag: small acts of service

A Quieter Resolution for the New Year: Listening, Learning, and Loving Without Agreement

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“When we listen, we offer with our attention an alms far more precious than anything else.”— Simone Weil

The Season of New Year’s Resolutions—and a Different Invitation

The ritual setting of resolutions for a new year is a ubiquitous January practice. Gym memberships flourish, trackers are checked and rechecked, meals are planned and prepped all in the hope of self-improvement. One quick scroll of social media offers a wide array of options for  workouts, diets, and methods of accountability. While health resolutions matter, our culture needs a quieter resolution–one that prioritizes listening deeply, learning humbly, and choosing neighborly love without agreement.

What We Miss When We Stop Listening

One cultural trend I have noticed–and am often guilty of myself–centers around listening, or a lack thereof. Many of us talk past one another, make snap judgments, and curate words of certainty. Conversations become overlapping monologues–ears present, but attention is elsewhere. In doing so, we miss the quieter forms of communication: facial expressions, postures, and the subtle cues that reveal complexity and lived experiences. When we rush past these, we lose the opportunity to understand another person, and we deny ourselves the opportunity to be changed, even slightly. Making time for focused listening does not mean we are agreeing with another person’s position.  It is choosing understanding over reflex.  

Learning to Listen as a Daily Practice

Learning to listen well is an acquired skill, at least for many of us, myself included, but it is attainable. Engaged listening requires more than ears; it requires intention. It asks us to pause before responding to another person, to consider what was said, and to ask a thoughtful question, rather than immediately offering a counterpoint. Asking a thoughtful question or two can increase understanding of another person, especially if we are willing to sit with discomfort if their viewpoint challenges or counters our own. This type of listening takes time and requires humility. If you are like me, you won’t be perfect–but it is a worthwhile endeavor.

Listening Without Agreement

Frankly, it is easier to relegate people based on our assumptions.  It is inconvenient to take time to ask questions that might alter our long-held beliefs.  However, by listening and respectfully seeking understanding, we incrementally begin to learn more about an alternate point of view without necessarily agreeing with it. 

Lessons from the Classroom About Understanding Others

 This is an ongoing practice for me as a veteran educator separated by generations from my students, and even many of my colleagues, in a high school setting. I have entered numerous conversations over the years in which either I had assumptions about a situation involving a student, parent, or peer or they had assumptions about me. Those conversations did not always lead to agreement, but they almost always led to greater understanding–and that is the difference that mattered most.

What It Means to Love Our Neighbor Today

By taking time to listen and ask questions, we are putting into practice a foundational belief of most world religions and philosophies: “Love your neighbor,” emphasizing respect, compassion, and doing non-harm to others. This Golden Rule practice is neither affectionate nor approving. It is also not remaining silent when faced with harm. In today’s world, “loving your neighbor” can be as simple as showing restraint in how we speak–refusing to reduce a person to a single action or belief. Practicing the Golden rule can also be as simple as not reducing a person to a single belief or action. Loving others is simply a daily choice. It is a posture that can feel costly, especially when it would be easier–or less stressful–to walk away or erupt into outrage. 

Small Ways to Practice Kindness in Everyday Life

Standing in neighborly love takes practice, and it doesn’t have to occur in grand, sweeping gestures. We can begin to put into practice in small, cumulative ways that can still have a bigger impact than we realize.  During gatherings of friends and/or family, try listening longer than feels comfortable to that contrarian relative/acquaintance.  During community, work, or church meetings, instead of immediately refuting a counter point-of-view, respond with curiosity rather than certainty. While interacting with online spaces, try choosing kindness when sharpness would be easier, even if the kind act is not to respond at all. We won’t always be perfect, but the more we practice, the more natural it becomes.

A Resolution That Doesn’t Fit on a Checklist

When setting resolutions, health coaches often ask clients to create goals that are SMART: specific, measurable, achievable/attainable, relevant/realistic, time-bound/timely. Setting a resolution to listen, learn, and “love” others may not, therefore, appear “SMART.” Nonetheless, it remains an attainable and relevant practice through small, incremental steps. 

What Might Change If We Listened First?

Consider what might change if we listened a little longer? If we attempted to learn more than we defended? If we treated others the way we would want to be treated? If we “loved” more than we proved?  

A Practice Worth Returning to All Year Long

These actions are not about “perfection” with a clear-cut checklist that offers overnight transformative results. Instead, they are more about presence and intention–the intention to listen, learn, and love others. It is a resolution that does not have to end with guilt in February; rather, it is a practice that can be picked up and practiced again and again throughout this year and years to come. 

“You don’t have to agree with someone to treat them with dignity.” 

As the year begins, may we all strive to engage in a more neighborly discourse and actions. 

Loneliness is a major health problem, and we can be part of the cure

Featured by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“Be somebody who makes everyone feel like somebody.”–unknown

Photo by Bob Price on Pexels.com

The Write Stuff ✏️

It was supposed to be a creative writing piece.  A visual writing prompt given for the sole purpose of working with new vocabulary words.  On the white board, I projected a picture of a fully clothed person, leaning against the wall of what appeared to be a school, but the physical person was invisible.  The clothes the person was wearing were gender neutral.  I assigned no gender, race, religion, etc. to this person.  My directions were for the freshmen students to use their current vocabulary words to write this person’s story.  

Most of the time, when I assign such a piece, only a handful of students really get jazzed about the chosen topic/challenge of the week.  I am a realistic teacher and writer, so I get it. Not every topic can be inspiring.  

However, this past week was different.  Nearly every student was engaged, focused, and wanted more time to write.  This was unusual since I did not assign a required length to this writing assignment.  Rather, I required the correct use of all of the vocabulary words and that students fully write to the prompt. 

This picture of a student, Madeline Garcia, was taken with permission to demonstrate students’ feeling of loneliness. While she was not one who wrote that she felt invisible, she was happy to help out with the photo illustration.

Invisible Ink ✒️

Given the nature of my job and the number of students/grade levels I teach, it took me a couple of days before I read those creative writing responses. What surprised me the most was the repeated theme of feeling “invisible” to others.  Depending upon the student’s situation/perception, this included friends, social groups, family, and other important adults in their life such as teachers, pastors, and coaches. It was clear to me that social isolation and loneliness is a very real phenomena amongst an age group known for their social connectivity. 

To be sure, there were those students who wrote fantastical, fictional stories, and there were those who did the bare minimum with little creativity in order to complete the task.  However, a large number of students wrote heart-wrenching stories of feeling overlooked, disregarded, or ignored by people they consider to be important in their lives.  Many students spoke of possessing good qualities that went unnoticed or unappreciated by others.  They described the utter loneliness they felt inside, even when surrounded by others.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

Public Health Warning ⚠️

I was reminded of a couple of podcasts interviews I have listened to with the current U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, in which he discussed an advisory he released this past spring (2023) proclaiming loneliness and social isolation a public health epidemic in the United States.  According to his findings, as seen in a release from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, loneliness is as bad as smoking on our health.  When we experience long-term loneliness and social isolation, it can put us at risk for heart disease, stroke, and dementia. 

However, for teens, this feeling of extreme loneliness, according to Murthy, predates COVID, despite all of the social media connections.  Murthy warns that loneliness and social isolation negatively affects the mental health of all who experience it, but he states that it is especially troubling for teens. In fact, Murthy went on to issue another advisory this past June (2023) regarding youth and their use of social media, warning that extreme exposure, defined as more than three hours per day, is a major contributor to the uptick of teen anxiety and depression.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Face-to-face, heart-to-heart💖

Reflecting on my own student’s writing, it is clear, at least anecdotally, that loneliness is a very real feeling among teens. Of course, I do not want to totally dismiss the use of social media among teens as I know there are numerous benefits that can be found. However, it was interesting to note that when talking with all of my students, at all three grade levels (7, 8, 9), most stated they would rather spend time in person with their friends than text or connect with them via a social media platform.  Of course, there were a few outliers, but by and large, most spoke of the fact that since COVID, they place greater value on spending time with their friends and family face-to-face.

As it turns out, my students’ stories reinforce the fact that we all have the basic need to love and be loved.  We want to know that someone sees us, respects us, and truly “gets” us.  Knowing that we matter to someone, that we make a difference, is paramount to our mental health. 

When we engage with others face-to-face, we experience the nuances of communication–tone, facial expression, body language and so forth.  Eye contact can communicate so much without words, and it can be an even more powerful tool when combined with meaningful words. I imagine that our most successful earliest ancestors survived by staying with their pack–not venturing out on their own to face the dangers and predators of the world.  The same is true now, only our dangers and predators are more subtle and cunning.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Our problem; Our Solution

Of course, it’s easy to dismiss my students’ writing as the grievances of angsty youth.  In fact, Dear Reader, you could tell me, “It’s your problem, Stephanie.  I didn’t choose education as a career.”   However, have you ever noticed that when you peel the “y” off of the word your, you are left with the word our.  

This is our problem, and while I cannot pretend I have the answers for such a far-reaching issue, I do believe in the power of small acts of kindness.  We can look for ways to help others, and I don’t just mean the traditional “Give money to the City Mission” or “Work at the Salvation Army” serving Thanksgiving dinner.  Not that I am putting either of those down–they are worthwhile deeds.  Instead, I am referring to our day-to-day real-life interactions and encounters.  How can we make a difference daily?

Can we give our loved ones, including friends and family, more of our undivided attention for a few minutes with the cell phone put away?  Can we make more eye contact and speak a few kind words with the person who serves your coffee, lunch, or an employee at your favorite grocery store?  Can we take time to help another person with the door, or be more patient with that co-worker that honestly gets on your nerves?  

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

kindness matters😎

The list could go on, but my point is this. Small acts of service communicate to others that they matter and that they are not invisible to you. I know it is easier said than done, given the fast pace of life.  Believe me, I struggle with it too!  What I do know is that little acts of service or kindness makes us feel good, and more importantly, can also impact another person’s life.  At the very least, it allows us to feel our own agency in addressing the problem of loneliness.

I conclude, with a small prayer of hope.  May we begin to lead more people-centered lives, so we can truly see one another’s need to matter. 🙏