Tag: #kindness

A Quieter Resolution for the New Year: Listening, Learning, and Loving Without Agreement

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“When we listen, we offer with our attention an alms far more precious than anything else.”— Simone Weil

The Season of New Year’s Resolutions—and a Different Invitation

The ritual setting of resolutions for a new year is a ubiquitous January practice. Gym memberships flourish, trackers are checked and rechecked, meals are planned and prepped all in the hope of self-improvement. One quick scroll of social media offers a wide array of options for  workouts, diets, and methods of accountability. While health resolutions matter, our culture needs a quieter resolution–one that prioritizes listening deeply, learning humbly, and choosing neighborly love without agreement.

What We Miss When We Stop Listening

One cultural trend I have noticed–and am often guilty of myself–centers around listening, or a lack thereof. Many of us talk past one another, make snap judgments, and curate words of certainty. Conversations become overlapping monologues–ears present, but attention is elsewhere. In doing so, we miss the quieter forms of communication: facial expressions, postures, and the subtle cues that reveal complexity and lived experiences. When we rush past these, we lose the opportunity to understand another person, and we deny ourselves the opportunity to be changed, even slightly. Making time for focused listening does not mean we are agreeing with another person’s position.  It is choosing understanding over reflex.  

Learning to Listen as a Daily Practice

Learning to listen well is an acquired skill, at least for many of us, myself included, but it is attainable. Engaged listening requires more than ears; it requires intention. It asks us to pause before responding to another person, to consider what was said, and to ask a thoughtful question, rather than immediately offering a counterpoint. Asking a thoughtful question or two can increase understanding of another person, especially if we are willing to sit with discomfort if their viewpoint challenges or counters our own. This type of listening takes time and requires humility. If you are like me, you won’t be perfect–but it is a worthwhile endeavor.

Listening Without Agreement

Frankly, it is easier to relegate people based on our assumptions.  It is inconvenient to take time to ask questions that might alter our long-held beliefs.  However, by listening and respectfully seeking understanding, we incrementally begin to learn more about an alternate point of view without necessarily agreeing with it. 

Lessons from the Classroom About Understanding Others

 This is an ongoing practice for me as a veteran educator separated by generations from my students, and even many of my colleagues, in a high school setting. I have entered numerous conversations over the years in which either I had assumptions about a situation involving a student, parent, or peer or they had assumptions about me. Those conversations did not always lead to agreement, but they almost always led to greater understanding–and that is the difference that mattered most.

What It Means to Love Our Neighbor Today

By taking time to listen and ask questions, we are putting into practice a foundational belief of most world religions and philosophies: “Love your neighbor,” emphasizing respect, compassion, and doing non-harm to others. This Golden Rule practice is neither affectionate nor approving. It is also not remaining silent when faced with harm. In today’s world, “loving your neighbor” can be as simple as showing restraint in how we speak–refusing to reduce a person to a single action or belief. Practicing the Golden rule can also be as simple as not reducing a person to a single belief or action. Loving others is simply a daily choice. It is a posture that can feel costly, especially when it would be easier–or less stressful–to walk away or erupt into outrage. 

Small Ways to Practice Kindness in Everyday Life

Standing in neighborly love takes practice, and it doesn’t have to occur in grand, sweeping gestures. We can begin to put into practice in small, cumulative ways that can still have a bigger impact than we realize.  During gatherings of friends and/or family, try listening longer than feels comfortable to that contrarian relative/acquaintance.  During community, work, or church meetings, instead of immediately refuting a counter point-of-view, respond with curiosity rather than certainty. While interacting with online spaces, try choosing kindness when sharpness would be easier, even if the kind act is not to respond at all. We won’t always be perfect, but the more we practice, the more natural it becomes.

A Resolution That Doesn’t Fit on a Checklist

When setting resolutions, health coaches often ask clients to create goals that are SMART: specific, measurable, achievable/attainable, relevant/realistic, time-bound/timely. Setting a resolution to listen, learn, and “love” others may not, therefore, appear “SMART.” Nonetheless, it remains an attainable and relevant practice through small, incremental steps. 

What Might Change If We Listened First?

Consider what might change if we listened a little longer? If we attempted to learn more than we defended? If we treated others the way we would want to be treated? If we “loved” more than we proved?  

A Practice Worth Returning to All Year Long

These actions are not about “perfection” with a clear-cut checklist that offers overnight transformative results. Instead, they are more about presence and intention–the intention to listen, learn, and love others. It is a resolution that does not have to end with guilt in February; rather, it is a practice that can be picked up and practiced again and again throughout this year and years to come. 

“You don’t have to agree with someone to treat them with dignity.” 

As the year begins, may we all strive to engage in a more neighborly discourse and actions. 

Be Good to One Another: On unseen suffering and the quiet work of kindness

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

On a winter morning downtown, a moment of waiting becomes a reflection on mental health, unseen suffering, and the quiet work of choosing kindness in a fragile world.

A Morning at the Intersection🚦

It was a cold, cloudy Saturday morning. I was waiting for the traffic light to change at a major downtown intersection.  All around, Christmas decorations, lights, and baubles sparkled as people dressed for a special occasion hurried towards the city’s arena. I wondered about the unusual sight of numerous people on the sidewalks at this time of day. With sudden clarity, I realized it was the university’s December graduation as groups passed in caps, gowns, tassels, and hoods. 

When We Cannot Know, We Must Care👤

Thinking back to my own daughter’s December graduation, I marveled how life marched on. Groups of people smiling, nodding, waving to one another, braced against the cold, hurriedly moving in a line like train cars linked together on one track bound to the same destination. Recent events came to mind, and I pondered the idea that surface appearances often bely the hidden interior lives of others–a reality social media has exacerbated. Suffering can be tucked away into hidden pockets so that even those closest may not see or know the hidden torment that lurks inside another human’s heart.

Why Unknowing Requires Care ❤️‍🩹

These groups of families, friends, and loved ones believe they know one another. And maybe they do … but maybe they don’t. This precise unknowing is why we need to care for one another–even when it seems futile. Many people carry burdens, traumas, fears, and anxieties that they either don’t share, or don’t know how to process, much less put into words. It is not necessarily a failure; it is part of the human experience that is difficult to understand. We must acknowledge that we may never truly know another person–even those closest to us. Thus, we must offer care, or at the very least, small kindnesses, to others.

“Be Good to One Another” 🫂

I continued to watch in fascination, lost in rumination, as more and more people, dressed in their finery, flowed out of the parking garages on either side of the traffic light. A long-ago, beloved priest’s words came to mind as I continued to watch and wait. “Be good to one another,” he would say at the conclusion of each church service. His words were simple, but their implications were profound. 

What kind of world would we have if more people were simply “good to one another”? If we listened to one another without trying to “fix” anything–personally, this is a hard one, and I suspect I am not the only one. What would happen if we checked in more frequently with another person, even if it feels awkward or tense? What if we responded with more gentleness, kindness, or at the very least, decent courtesy, even when we are tired, rushed, or unsure? Choosing deliberate actions that are kind or respectful does not require insight into another person’s pain, but it does require us to recognize their humanity. 

A Cup of Coffee, a Choice ☕️

I am reminded of a recent incident in which I was running through town. I witnessed an older, unhoused gentleman knock on the window of a man in a car outside of a coffee shop. The man inside of the car leapt out, yelling untold obscenities at the man who knocked. The disheveled, unhoused man kept saying, “I was just going to ask you for a cup of coffee.” The man who had been inside his car became louder and more aggressive. I felt so helpless as I watched in horror. Fortunately, a woman, older than me, walked out of the coffee shop, whispered to the gray-haired man, took him by the arm, and gave him a cup of coffee while the other man continued to spew vitriol. I was so touched by this gentle act. It reminded me of a yoga teacher from an old DVD who stated, “Go out and bless the world because the world needs it.” 

Have We Learned How to Show Up for One Another? 🫴

As I watched the graduation celebration train continue, I couldn’t help but wonder, in spite of all of their book and applied learning, they also learned how to show up for one another? Do they possess the empathy required to “bless” the world? Do they have the skills to offer patience when it is required, hold space when needed, and withhold judgment when encountering dissension or differences?  These are important questions not only recent graduates need to consider, but so do many others, myself included.

Resisting a Hardened Heart 🖤

These are big asks, I know. I try and fail regularly. Nonetheless, I cannot help but believe that striving to be a “perfect” human being matters far less than not allowing the world to harden us, so that we can respond more often with kindness. The key is remembering to reset, when we act unkindly, and try again in our interactions with one another. The world will not be healed by perfection, but rather when we lean into our interactions with one another with presence, awareness, and sensitivity.

Being a Warrior for Peace 😌

The same DVD yoga teacher also advised, “Be a warrior, not a worrier.”  While he typically said this as a point of humor during one of the “warrior” poses yoga is known for, the intent of the message has never been lost on me. Embodying the spirit of a warrior for empathy, gentleness, or kindness, is about offering hope without turning a blind eye to the harsh realities–pain, suffering, fear, or ignorance.  Being a “peaceful warrior” is about a willingness to care without expectations, choosing engagement–however you define it–over withdrawal into a cocoon of hopelessness. It is a practice of continually showing up, even in the smallest of ways.

Choosing Kindness, Again and Again ☺️

I know all too well that kindness will not save everyone, and caring for another does not come with control over another person’s choices. It is further worth acknowledging that our actions, no matter how well-intended, may not help, but it doesn’t mean we should not try. Send that text. Remain quiet and allow the other person’s pause to speak. Ask sincere questions and listen with genuine interest and without expectations. Smile at that stranger.  Offer to help another person–even a cup of coffee to an unhoused man. We never know how actions can impact another person, so please choose kindness over and over. Choose kindness.

As you move through your own daily encounters, consider an idea echoed by numerous writers: “A smile on the outside is often silent suffering on the inside.” 

I invite you, Dear Reader, to notice, reach out, and bless the world quietly with intentional acts of kindness. May we provide flickers of hope and peace in a world often determined to snuff out the light.

A Blessing at the Light 🙏

The traffic light changed.  I drove away, whispering the priest’s words to the strangers celebrating graduation, “Be good to one another. Please, please, please be good to one another above all else.” 

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Loneliness is a major health problem, and we can be part of the cure

Featured by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“Be somebody who makes everyone feel like somebody.”–unknown

Photo by Bob Price on Pexels.com

The Write Stuff ✏️

It was supposed to be a creative writing piece.  A visual writing prompt given for the sole purpose of working with new vocabulary words.  On the white board, I projected a picture of a fully clothed person, leaning against the wall of what appeared to be a school, but the physical person was invisible.  The clothes the person was wearing were gender neutral.  I assigned no gender, race, religion, etc. to this person.  My directions were for the freshmen students to use their current vocabulary words to write this person’s story.  

Most of the time, when I assign such a piece, only a handful of students really get jazzed about the chosen topic/challenge of the week.  I am a realistic teacher and writer, so I get it. Not every topic can be inspiring.  

However, this past week was different.  Nearly every student was engaged, focused, and wanted more time to write.  This was unusual since I did not assign a required length to this writing assignment.  Rather, I required the correct use of all of the vocabulary words and that students fully write to the prompt. 

This picture of a student, Madeline Garcia, was taken with permission to demonstrate students’ feeling of loneliness. While she was not one who wrote that she felt invisible, she was happy to help out with the photo illustration.

Invisible Ink ✒️

Given the nature of my job and the number of students/grade levels I teach, it took me a couple of days before I read those creative writing responses. What surprised me the most was the repeated theme of feeling “invisible” to others.  Depending upon the student’s situation/perception, this included friends, social groups, family, and other important adults in their life such as teachers, pastors, and coaches. It was clear to me that social isolation and loneliness is a very real phenomena amongst an age group known for their social connectivity. 

To be sure, there were those students who wrote fantastical, fictional stories, and there were those who did the bare minimum with little creativity in order to complete the task.  However, a large number of students wrote heart-wrenching stories of feeling overlooked, disregarded, or ignored by people they consider to be important in their lives.  Many students spoke of possessing good qualities that went unnoticed or unappreciated by others.  They described the utter loneliness they felt inside, even when surrounded by others.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

Public Health Warning ⚠️

I was reminded of a couple of podcasts interviews I have listened to with the current U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, in which he discussed an advisory he released this past spring (2023) proclaiming loneliness and social isolation a public health epidemic in the United States.  According to his findings, as seen in a release from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, loneliness is as bad as smoking on our health.  When we experience long-term loneliness and social isolation, it can put us at risk for heart disease, stroke, and dementia. 

However, for teens, this feeling of extreme loneliness, according to Murthy, predates COVID, despite all of the social media connections.  Murthy warns that loneliness and social isolation negatively affects the mental health of all who experience it, but he states that it is especially troubling for teens. In fact, Murthy went on to issue another advisory this past June (2023) regarding youth and their use of social media, warning that extreme exposure, defined as more than three hours per day, is a major contributor to the uptick of teen anxiety and depression.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Face-to-face, heart-to-heart💖

Reflecting on my own student’s writing, it is clear, at least anecdotally, that loneliness is a very real feeling among teens. Of course, I do not want to totally dismiss the use of social media among teens as I know there are numerous benefits that can be found. However, it was interesting to note that when talking with all of my students, at all three grade levels (7, 8, 9), most stated they would rather spend time in person with their friends than text or connect with them via a social media platform.  Of course, there were a few outliers, but by and large, most spoke of the fact that since COVID, they place greater value on spending time with their friends and family face-to-face.

As it turns out, my students’ stories reinforce the fact that we all have the basic need to love and be loved.  We want to know that someone sees us, respects us, and truly “gets” us.  Knowing that we matter to someone, that we make a difference, is paramount to our mental health. 

When we engage with others face-to-face, we experience the nuances of communication–tone, facial expression, body language and so forth.  Eye contact can communicate so much without words, and it can be an even more powerful tool when combined with meaningful words. I imagine that our most successful earliest ancestors survived by staying with their pack–not venturing out on their own to face the dangers and predators of the world.  The same is true now, only our dangers and predators are more subtle and cunning.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Our problem; Our Solution

Of course, it’s easy to dismiss my students’ writing as the grievances of angsty youth.  In fact, Dear Reader, you could tell me, “It’s your problem, Stephanie.  I didn’t choose education as a career.”   However, have you ever noticed that when you peel the “y” off of the word your, you are left with the word our.  

This is our problem, and while I cannot pretend I have the answers for such a far-reaching issue, I do believe in the power of small acts of kindness.  We can look for ways to help others, and I don’t just mean the traditional “Give money to the City Mission” or “Work at the Salvation Army” serving Thanksgiving dinner.  Not that I am putting either of those down–they are worthwhile deeds.  Instead, I am referring to our day-to-day real-life interactions and encounters.  How can we make a difference daily?

Can we give our loved ones, including friends and family, more of our undivided attention for a few minutes with the cell phone put away?  Can we make more eye contact and speak a few kind words with the person who serves your coffee, lunch, or an employee at your favorite grocery store?  Can we take time to help another person with the door, or be more patient with that co-worker that honestly gets on your nerves?  

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

kindness matters😎

The list could go on, but my point is this. Small acts of service communicate to others that they matter and that they are not invisible to you. I know it is easier said than done, given the fast pace of life.  Believe me, I struggle with it too!  What I do know is that little acts of service or kindness makes us feel good, and more importantly, can also impact another person’s life.  At the very least, it allows us to feel our own agency in addressing the problem of loneliness.

I conclude, with a small prayer of hope.  May we begin to lead more people-centered lives, so we can truly see one another’s need to matter. 🙏

Volunteer Seeds of Kindness

by stephsimply, posted in Herald-Dispatch Articles, Simple Observations and Musings

“A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds.  A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.”–Saint Basil 

“Good Morning!” I say to people I pass along the path of my morning run.   Typically, my greeting is echoed back.   Occasionally, I will encounter someone who is busy talking on the phone. Likewise, there are a few who appear to ignore my greeting, but perhaps they don’t hear me, aren’t a morning person, or they are having a bad moment–at least they aren’t, per se, rude.

One particularly hot and humid morning, I observed a young couple running ahead of me, but when they took a walking break, I happened to pass by them.  I warned them that I was, “passing on the left,” as a courtesy in case they did not hear my approach and also to encourage social distancing.  As they moved over to allow me to proceed, I thanked them and wished them a good day.

“Thanks! You’re looking strong, by the way! Keep it up,” was the female’s response.

As seen on Instagram at mylifebt.

Now, if there was one thing I was NOT feeling at that moment was “strong.”  In fact, I am fairly certain that strong was not on the spectrum of emotions I was experiencing at the time.  Regardless, her kindness was enough to plant a tiny seed of positivity into my morning exercise and offered a nice boost of energy that was much appreciated.  Since then, this young woman’s random act of encouragement has remained with me, reminding me of the importance of taking time to offer a smile, kind word, or gesture to others with whom I come into contact–especially in the age of COVID.

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions and the roots spring up and make new trees.”–Amelia Earhart

In direct contrast, on another muggy morning, I was making my way along the path, dodging and side-stepping mud, puddles, and oozy sections that looked like an invitation, at least for me, to fall or wrench a limb.  The grass alongside the path was especially slick with moisture because the previous evening had been filled with numerous downpours.  Most pedestrians were following an unspoken courtesy of passing one another at a socially appropriate distance without forcing anyone off into the sopping turf bordering the path.   This sometimes meant pausing, slowing down, or jogging in place behind someone in order to let another person advance from the opposite direction.  Certainly, it might temporarily slow down one’s pace, but if you were really in that big of a hurry, you could choose to step off into the wet grass–and I certainly saw a few faster runners make this decision.

I was approaching an older couple from behind as I continued along the path. I slowed down and moved to the outer edge of the path on my right as there was also a group of three women walking towards the couple from the opposite direction.  The three women formed a single file line, moving to the opposite edge, preparing to go by the couple, leaving plenty of safe space.  The man in front of me moved behind his female companion, so I jogged in place at a respectable distance behind the pair to allow the three ladies to progress by before I passed the couple.  

As seen on Headspace app.

Suddenly, from behind me, I heard the pounding of footsteps and someone huffing swear words under his breath loud enough for all of us to hear.  As I turned my head in his direction, I instantly recognized the cursing man.  When I had previously passed him earlier in my workout, he did not acknowledge my morning greeting.  In fact, having encountered him on a number of previous occasions along the same path, he has never once acknowledged my greeting.  Still, I had written off those encounters to the fact he was a focused runner, despite the fact that his running companion, who was currently at a significant distance behind the cursing man, always spoke.  

Meanwhile, the three women continued walking past the couple in front of me, and the huffy man drew up beside me at an uncomfortable closeness, barely leaving enough space for the women to pass at a safe distance.  He looked down at his watch, uttered more harsh swear words, and then quickly dashed between the last woman in line and the couple in front of me, nearly knocking down the woman and startling the older gentleman.  Meanwhile, his companion froze in place and appeared to look at the fast trotting man with a mix of bewilderment and resentment.  Afterwards, for what seemed like a long moment, though it was probably only mere seconds, the six of us glanced from one person to another as if collectively trying to recover from the near collision caused by the man’s aggressive and angry energy that was still hovering in the air as if he had run a red traffic light and escaped, but we were left with the wreckage of his actions

As seen on Instagram at meditation_and_mindfulness.

“We all have the right to be here,” I impulsively blurted out to no one in particular.

The three women nodded in agreement and added a few choice comments.

“Well, I hope you guys have a good day anyway,” I added as a moment of closure hoping to bring about a more positive tone.  However, I wondered if my words sounded hollow like attempting to give a child a lollipop after they have been given a vaccination shot.

Reflecting on my statement later, I realized the depth of what I had said, “We ALL have the right to share the path”–even cursing, impatient runners.  Oh, boy!

As seen on Instagram at positiveenergyalways.

We live in a finite space called Earth in the community of our collective humanity.  Currently, around the globe, we are faced with issues, problems, and crises–the likes of which most of us have not experienced in our lifetimes. Meanwhile, we have those, like the female runner, offering up encouragement to others in spite of his or her weariness; and, there are still others, like the antagonistic runner, pushing aside those who get in the way of his or her wants/desires.  

If I am to be honest, I have regrettably behaved like the cursing runner, so I do not want to pretend to be something that I am not.  However, both of these recent encounters have served as a reminder and object lesson to me.  First, every person has the right to share the path, aka, Earth–even those with whom whose actions I find aversion.  Secondly, I can only control my actions and my words–not others.  Finally, I have a choice, each day–and really, each moment, to decide what my actions, my responses, and my words will foster; and, so do you, Dear Reader.  

“Kind hearts are the gardens.  Kind thoughts are the roots.  Kind words are the blossoms.  Kind deeds are the fruits.”–Kirpal Singh

Sometimes plants sprout through the soil that were not intentionally planted.  They seem to grow by some unseen magical power.  In reality, those plants are caused by seeds floating in the wind, dropped by birds, or inadvertently mixed into compost/fertilizer.  In gardening terms, these surprise flowers and plants are called volunteers.  They are independently defiant, complete, and thriving in the midst of less than ideal circumstances.  

Like the unknown female I encountered, her volunteered words planted an unintentional seed of kindness in me, that even now as I write this, continues to grow and blossom.  It was such a small act, but it left me feeling uplifted with a sensation that I desire to pass on to others.  

Imagine what could blossom in our world if the winds of thoughtful engagement became the norm?  Picture seeing tolerant words printed, spoken, and displayed on social media with greater frequency than narrow-mindedness?  Envision sympathetic, sensitive, and open-minded gestures and actions mixed more often into dialogue, documents, and declarations than overt or subversive hatred, anger, and aggression?  That is the garden for which I hope to help nurture, one volunteered seed of kindness at a time. What kind of garden will you cultivate?

As seen on Instagram at heartcenteredrebalancing.
Just as this black walnut seed hold within it the potential for growth, so too do kind words, actions, and gestures. Pass one on today.