Tag: listen learn love

Mastering the Art of Listening: Key Techniques

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”–Stephen R. Covey

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Listening is an Art 🎨

I listened to an acquaintance share a problem with me. I tried to fully listen, and then proceeded to offer my best advice.  Later, however, I reflected upon that conversation and wondered if I should have responded differently.  Was she really seeking advice, or did she just want someone to listen and empathize with her? Perhaps, I should have taken more time acknowledging her feelings, and then asked if she wanted advice, instead of assuming she wanted it.

Listening, really listening to others, is a skill and an art. I once heard a speaker say, “Hearing is uncontrollable; listening takes a special knack.” This is so true. We are constantly inundated, it seems, with an assortment of sounds, clamor, and all types of conversations.

 I was reminded of this quote in a past conversation with my daughter, Maddie. We were, ironically enough, talking about listening.  Specifically, I wondered aloud about ways to improve my own listening. She shared with me what a friend once taught her.

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Three ways of listening 👂

According to Maddie’s friend, there are three types of listeners: Those who listen to respond; those who listen to react or criticize; and, those who listen to understand.  This stuck with me, and I decided to do a short bit of research into this topic. 

One quick internet search on “types of listening” resulted in hundreds of articles. Some pieces were geared more towards high school or college students taking communication classes.  Others were framed around mental health. However, based upon my informal searches, business/work implications seem to make up the largest number of “ways to listen” write-ups.

While I can’t claim to have done the deepest research dive, what I did find seemed to support the overall point of what Maddie shared with me–there are different types of listeners and a number of identifiable ways of listening.  It seems the biggest point of agreement is that most of us can, and would probably benefit from, improving our own listening skills.  What mostly varies, from article to article, is the identification of how many different listening types/styles there are.  

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Two Other types of Listening 🎧

Two types of listening that Maddie’s friend did not identify were what several articles called “pseudo listening” and “appreciative listening.” Pseudo listening are those times when we pretend to listen, but we are not really absorbing the speaker’s information.  This can occur across a wide array of situations, from the classroom to the board room, and from having the TV or radio on in the background to a person droning on and on about a topic for which you have little interest, but don’t want to be rude.

Appreciative listening is the type of listening we engage in when listening to a favorite song or piece of music.  It can also occur when listening to a presentation or speaker talking about a favorite subject.  You are not, per se, learning anything new, just appreciating the appeal of the subject matter.

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Listening to Respond 🗣️

To the point of “listening to respond,” there are several key points.  First of all, in day-to-day life, there are numerous situations which require listening carefully and responding quickly. From minute tasks, such as ordering food, when the staff asks how you want a certain dish served to listening to a friend or loved one ask if you could lend a hand, there are moments that require listening and responding/acting accordingly.  

However, some situations require more than just a response. There are times when we need to analyze before responding. This action-oriented form of listening, requires dialed-in focus and a timely response in order to efficiently deliver information. Doctors, teachers, pharmacists, lawyers, and numerous other types of jobs require this type of listening, which analyzes the person’s problem from a neutral point of view in order to guide the patient, student, client, and so forth to what is, hopefully, an appropriate solution.  Although the listener is still responding, the listener is responding from a point of thoughtful consideration in order to best help the person solve the problem.

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Listening to react 🙎‍♂️

Another action-oriented form of listening focuses on the content of the message in order to react or criticize.  This type of listening is designed to judge the content of what is being said as well as the reliability of the source or speaker. Obviously, if you are an attorney, arguing before the court for your client, this type of listening is clearly a very important skill. However, in all walks of life there are times we must listen and react defensively to a given situation. Unfortunately, this type of listening can become aggressive quickly, especially when applied to a situation in which a less-reactive approach would have better benefitted the situation. 

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Listening to understand 🤔

  Finally, there are times when we need to truly focus on the person, listen closely to their content in order to understand, empathize, and perhaps even build connections. This is typically the hardest style of listening to develop, but it is worth fostering in order to build and sustain relationships. Listening to understand is a skill many of us need to improve, including myself. Due to our jobs or positions in life, a large number of us spend our work days quickly analyzing, and responding to others’ problems; and therefore, this type of listening, unfortunately, tends to become our default mode of listening even in situations where it would be better to remain quiet longer in order to connect with and fully understand the speaker.

Learning to listen to the underlying emotion conveyed in a person’s message requires active and participatory listening.  This may require clarifying questions, but other times, it simply means offering space–a safe, quiet space where a person can simply share their thoughts and feelings without judgment or interruptions.  

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Space for listening 🤐

Sometimes, people just want to be heard and aren’t necessarily asking for a so-called “solution.”  This is where, Maddie suggested, I might need to ask, “Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?”  It is such a simple concept, but this clarifying question clears up any confusion on the listener’s part as to what their role is. 

Reflecting back to that initial conversation with an acquaintance made me wish I had clarified whether or not the person wanted me to listen, offer advice, or both.  Unfortunately, I cannot go back in time, but moving forward, I can ask that in future conversations. Listening well and listening appropriately to the situation does indeed take a special knack, but even more so, it requires us to think before we choose whether to respond, react, or criticize.  It requires that we slow down our thoughts, listen deeply, and if needed, take time to clarify what the person speaking needs from us.  In the end, not only will those with whom we interact benefit from our awareness, but we may find that our own relationships, work settings, family- and even community-dynamics shift and may even benefit as well.

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Sawubona: How this one word could change the world

by stephsimply, posted in Simple Observations and Musings

“Every individual matters. Every individual has a role to play. Every individual makes a difference.”–Jane Goodall

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Listening to a podcast recently, a word piqued my curiosity.  Sawubona.  The speaker stated that this term had a moment of notoriety in the 1990s in the business world based upon a book written to encourage companies to solve group problems through various systems of learning.  This may explain why I never heard of it up until now as I was, and still am, in the field of education as opposed to business.

As I understand it, at its most basic level, it is a Zulu expression of greeting, another way of saying “hello.”  However, as heard in the podcast, and confirmed in later reading, its meaning is far from a common greeting.

Depending upon the source read, Sawubona, means “I see you,” or “We see you.”  In response–again, depending upon the source–the other person greets, “Yebo, Sawubona,” (Yes, I/we see you too), or “Shiboka” (I exist for you).  Regardless, it is the seeing of the other person and acknowledgement of existing to help the other, that most stood out to me. 

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Quite often, in our morning rush, our greetings and responses are typically short, polite, and given with a smile as we promptly move on to our work and/or day at hand.  Certainly, there are occasions when we pause long enough to ask about a specific event or person, but as our schedule often demands, we listen, long enough to be polite before moving quickly on, without really looking.  

I know I do this, and I feel fairly certain that I am not the only one.  Therefore, I do not want the thesis of this piece to be interpreted as finger wagging or shaming.  Instead, I hope to provoke some thought regarding the importance of seeing our shared humanity in one another and existing in a state of respect –even if we don’t see eye-to-eye with everyone with whom we meet.

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Respect, according to Merriam-Webster, is derived from the Latin root, respectus, which means, looking back (at), refuge, regard, and consideration. The beauty, to me, of Sawubona is in the underlying message of regard for the other person. I SEE you is such a powerful acknowledgement. It is a way of communicating that I SEE (regard/consider) your uniqueness, your talents, and your gifts, no matter the differences we may have.

I once heard a story of a farmer who espoused hate towards a certain political figure.  As it turned out, the politician asked to visit the farmer for a conversation.  The farmer told the politician’s team that he felt reluctant for the politician’s visit because the farmer espoused a certain faith, and given the public servant’s political status, the farmer assumed the politician could not possibly have a faith affiliation.  Nevertheless, a meeting was arranged, and the two men of opposing sides walked the farmer’s land together as the farmer talked and shared his concerns about his way of living.  The political figure looked and listened. 

Later, as the conversation progressed, the two men ended up in the farmer’s house, drinking coffee and learning more about one another.  When the farmer realized that he, indeed, shared the same faith practices as the politician, he called a few of his friends to join in the conversation.  As the story goes, upon the politician’s departure, the two men shook hands, but the farmer made it clear that he still would not vote for this political figure.  However, he added that he was surprised to learn the two of them had more in common than he realized.  He further invited the politician to return to his home at a later date, so that they could continue their conversation.

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Some might ask what is the point of the story if the farmer was not convinced to vote for the politician. Instead, I think it makes a case for the idea of Sawubona. Two men, on opposite sides of the political fence, spending time with one another, asking questions, listening, learning, and finding some common ground in their shared human experience is a way of conveying consideration or regard for one another. They didn’t have to agree on all points in order to respectfully get along.  In fact, as it turned out, the politician would later reach out to the same farmer when certain legislation was being considered that would have affected the farmer and his community in order to gain a greater understanding of the potential impact.

Reflecting on Sawubona is a lesson of seeing others and being seen by others. It is understanding that we do exist together for one another.  We may have our differences, but it is those collective differences that can create a community of support.  Each individual has their own gifts and talents that we bring to the proverbial community table.  And, thank heavens, because there are so many skill sets of others upon which I rely in order to live, work, and participate in many other daily activities. 

When we truly take time to see others, we can see the common struggles, celebrations, and life experiences. We can feel compassion for another’s suffering, and we can feel the joy of their milestone celebrations. Furthermore, we can appreciate the gifts and talents of others, even those with whom we may disagree on certain subjects. 

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In the end, I am not suggesting that the idea behind Sawubona is easy. Instead, I encourage us to think of Sawubona as a practice. A practice in which we take time to look others in the eye more frequently when greeting in order to make others feel seen.  Additionally, it is a practice for when we find ourselves feeling angry or incensed by an opinion different from our own, to challenge us to pause, and look more closely for the common human thread shared with that person of opposition.  

One word cannot solve all problems, but if we begin to look for more Sawubona moments, it might allow for more opportunities–like the farmer and the politician–for listening, learning, and finding common ground.  When we feel seen/heard by another person, it makes us feel respected, and that feels good.  Therefore, imagine the positive reverberations that could be created within our own local communities if we began to offer that same Sawubona feeling to even one person per day.  It is certainly worth considering. 

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