“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I am going to learn, I must do it by listening. I never learned anything while I was talking.”–Larry King
Focused Listening 👂
I was recently engaged in conversation with a friend, Jan, sharing about a trip she took with her husband to the United Kingdom. Her descriptions kept me spellbound. While there were many points of interest and wondrous highlights of her trip, there was one item she repeated that planted a seed: She had to actively listen.
Jan described how she could not allow her eyes to wander to paintings on a wall, people walking past, or other points of interest. Instead, in order to best understand the people she encountered, she had to, as she said, “really focus” on the person speaking. This was due to the unique dialects and word usage that varies from one part of the UK to another, much in the same way that dialects (accents) vary across the U.S.
This idea of focused listening sounded quite similar to mindfulness: the ability to fully focus our awareness of the moment at hand. Jan was a visitor in another country participating in multiple new sensory experiences that vied for her attention. However, when engaged in a conversation with a local, she had to remain focused in the present–in order to understand. By repeatedly practicing mindful listening, Jan and her husband were able to glean helpful tips and advice that fostered their successful navigation of the UK via The Tube and create memories of a lifetime.
Mindful Listening 🗣️
Mindful, or active, listening does not come naturally to many of us, and it is typically not taught. The good news is that we can learn to improve our listening skills. However, it does require practice, and it is often an ongoing process for which Jan’s story reminded me.
In a previous article, I explored the types of listening with emphasis on: listening to react/criticize, listening to respond, and listening to understand. Each of these types of listening can be appropriate for various situations. However, after talking with Jan, I wanted to examine the specifics of listening to understand via mindful listening, or what most business professionals call active listening.
Many of us know what it feels like to try to have a conversation, serious or otherwise, with another person who clearly isn’t listening. Likewise, we can most likely identify times in which someone was trying to have a conversation with us, but our attention was elsewhere. Both of these scenarios can be frustrating for both the listener and the speaker. Clearly, listening for understanding is often not as easy as it seems.
Listening to understand 🤔
One way to increase listening skills, according to a 2023 Cleveland Clinic article, is to set an intention to listen. This may sound over-simplistic. However, when we consider how good it can sometimes feel to talk or share entertaining tales, setting an intention to listen, rather than talk, makes sense. After all, if we want to improve our listening skills, we have to enter a conversation with the intent to listen more and talk less.
Furthermore, when listening, it is important to focus on the speaker and set aside the phone or other distractions in order to be fully present with that person, especially when the conversation is important. My friend found that if she was going to navigate the UK successfully, she had to fully concentrate on the speaker when asking for directions or help. When her mind wandered to the new environment around her, she had to nudge her attention back to the speaker.
Focus on speaker and the message 🔎
The same is true for us. It can be difficult to fully focus on what is being said, and this is where mindfulness comes in. When we notice our mind has drifted, it is a matter of redirecting our attention back to the speaker. We may have to do this several times, especially for those of us with focus issues.
That said, one thing I am learning to do, when my mind wanders or becomes distracted, is to be honest. I will tell the person if I become distracted and ask them to repeat what was just said. Of course, I have to be careful not to do that too much because it can cause the speaker to get distracted. Nonetheless, I find, as a general rule, that asking someone to repeat what they said is overall beneficial to my focus and understanding of the speaker’s message.
An article by the British Heart Foundation, nevertheless supports the importance of listening with minimal interruptions in order to avoid distracting the speaker. The author does suggest occasionally repeating a person’s last few words or asking clarifying questions in order to increase the listener’s understanding of the message. Plus, it maintains the focus on the speaker and their message, rather than focusing on responding.
“listen” to the Nonverbal cues 🙊
Furthermore, it is also important to “listen” to the speaker’s body language. A 2021 Harvard Business Review article suggests that those nonverbal cues can provide additional key information, especially with regard to the speaker’s emotion.
Likewise, it is also important for the listener to be mindful of our own body language and eye contact. Making eye contact and nodding at key points, while also not crossing arms and maintaining a relaxed demeanor, can put the speaker at ease. In some situations, it may also be appropriate to ask if the speaker wants suggestions or just wants to be heard.
Connect to your breath 😮💨
Connecting to our breath as we listen can help us regulate our emotions, which can be vital if the conversation becomes difficult. It is easy to become dismissive, defensive, or argumentative if the topic is controversial or one with which there is disagreement. In these situations, doing our best to take relaxing breaths can aid us in remaining non judgemental and avoid imposing our opinions or solutions.
Ultimately, learning to be a mindful, fully engaged, active listener takes practice for many of us. And, if we walk away from a conversation thinking we could have been a better listener, it is important to practice self-compassion, learn from our mistakes, and try again in the next conversation. The key, I believe, is to stay committed.
More Listening; less talking 👂
Our commitment to improving our listening benefits not only us, but those with whom we daily encounter. Learning to listen well increases empathy for others, fosters healthy relationships both at work and among family/friends, demonstrates respect, increases opportunities for understanding, which in turn can reduce, diffuse, or even avoid potential points of conflict. The more we are willing to listen mindfully, the more we can increase understanding. And heaven knows, the world could surely benefit from the blessing of more listening and less talking!
Steph Simply 