“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”–Stephen R. Covey
Listening is an Art 🎨
I listened to an acquaintance share a problem with me. I tried to fully listen, and then proceeded to offer my best advice. Later, however, I reflected upon that conversation and wondered if I should have responded differently. Was she really seeking advice, or did she just want someone to listen and empathize with her? Perhaps, I should have taken more time acknowledging her feelings, and then asked if she wanted advice, instead of assuming she wanted it.
Listening, really listening to others, is a skill and an art. I once heard a speaker say, “Hearing is uncontrollable; listening takes a special knack.” This is so true. We are constantly inundated, it seems, with an assortment of sounds, clamor, and all types of conversations.
I was reminded of this quote in a past conversation with my daughter, Maddie. We were, ironically enough, talking about listening. Specifically, I wondered aloud about ways to improve my own listening. She shared with me what a friend once taught her.
Three ways of listening 👂
According to Maddie’s friend, there are three types of listeners: Those who listen to respond; those who listen to react or criticize; and, those who listen to understand. This stuck with me, and I decided to do a short bit of research into this topic.
One quick internet search on “types of listening” resulted in hundreds of articles. Some pieces were geared more towards high school or college students taking communication classes. Others were framed around mental health. However, based upon my informal searches, business/work implications seem to make up the largest number of “ways to listen” write-ups.
While I can’t claim to have done the deepest research dive, what I did find seemed to support the overall point of what Maddie shared with me–there are different types of listeners and a number of identifiable ways of listening. It seems the biggest point of agreement is that most of us can, and would probably benefit from, improving our own listening skills. What mostly varies, from article to article, is the identification of how many different listening types/styles there are.
Two Other types of Listening 🎧
Two types of listening that Maddie’s friend did not identify were what several articles called “pseudo listening” and “appreciative listening.” Pseudo listening are those times when we pretend to listen, but we are not really absorbing the speaker’s information. This can occur across a wide array of situations, from the classroom to the board room, and from having the TV or radio on in the background to a person droning on and on about a topic for which you have little interest, but don’t want to be rude.
Appreciative listening is the type of listening we engage in when listening to a favorite song or piece of music. It can also occur when listening to a presentation or speaker talking about a favorite subject. You are not, per se, learning anything new, just appreciating the appeal of the subject matter.
Listening to Respond 🗣️
To the point of “listening to respond,” there are several key points. First of all, in day-to-day life, there are numerous situations which require listening carefully and responding quickly. From minute tasks, such as ordering food, when the staff asks how you want a certain dish served to listening to a friend or loved one ask if you could lend a hand, there are moments that require listening and responding/acting accordingly.
However, some situations require more than just a response. There are times when we need to analyze before responding. This action-oriented form of listening, requires dialed-in focus and a timely response in order to efficiently deliver information. Doctors, teachers, pharmacists, lawyers, and numerous other types of jobs require this type of listening, which analyzes the person’s problem from a neutral point of view in order to guide the patient, student, client, and so forth to what is, hopefully, an appropriate solution. Although the listener is still responding, the listener is responding from a point of thoughtful consideration in order to best help the person solve the problem.
Listening to react 🙎♂️
Another action-oriented form of listening focuses on the content of the message in order to react or criticize. This type of listening is designed to judge the content of what is being said as well as the reliability of the source or speaker. Obviously, if you are an attorney, arguing before the court for your client, this type of listening is clearly a very important skill. However, in all walks of life there are times we must listen and react defensively to a given situation. Unfortunately, this type of listening can become aggressive quickly, especially when applied to a situation in which a less-reactive approach would have better benefitted the situation.
Listening to understand 🤔
Finally, there are times when we need to truly focus on the person, listen closely to their content in order to understand, empathize, and perhaps even build connections. This is typically the hardest style of listening to develop, but it is worth fostering in order to build and sustain relationships. Listening to understand is a skill many of us need to improve, including myself. Due to our jobs or positions in life, a large number of us spend our work days quickly analyzing, and responding to others’ problems; and therefore, this type of listening, unfortunately, tends to become our default mode of listening even in situations where it would be better to remain quiet longer in order to connect with and fully understand the speaker.
Learning to listen to the underlying emotion conveyed in a person’s message requires active and participatory listening. This may require clarifying questions, but other times, it simply means offering space–a safe, quiet space where a person can simply share their thoughts and feelings without judgment or interruptions.
Space for listening 🤐
Sometimes, people just want to be heard and aren’t necessarily asking for a so-called “solution.” This is where, Maddie suggested, I might need to ask, “Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?” It is such a simple concept, but this clarifying question clears up any confusion on the listener’s part as to what their role is.
Reflecting back to that initial conversation with an acquaintance made me wish I had clarified whether or not the person wanted me to listen, offer advice, or both. Unfortunately, I cannot go back in time, but moving forward, I can ask that in future conversations. Listening well and listening appropriately to the situation does indeed take a special knack, but even more so, it requires us to think before we choose whether to respond, react, or criticize. It requires that we slow down our thoughts, listen deeply, and if needed, take time to clarify what the person speaking needs from us. In the end, not only will those with whom we interact benefit from our awareness, but we may find that our own relationships, work settings, family- and even community-dynamics shift and may even benefit as well.
Steph Simply 